Christmas and Crying

I didn’t want to get up.  Fought it for over an hour.  Lying there, holding Kaydee tight, absolutely did NOT want to get up.  Because I didn’t want to write about sadness and mourning and parents that have to unwrap Christmas presents themselves and take them back to the store.  Didn’t want to picture them having walked through the worst day of their lives to numbly stumble through the door and have that stupid TREE be there, front and center, mocking them.  Happiness in the middle of a bloody nightmare.  What about the Christmas chain?  Just made about a week ago, we wrote the days inside each, then glued together with little hands who so eagerly ripped off one day at a time as a countdown to Christmas; keep it?  Crumple it, rip it to shreds, throw it away?  Or tear off one each day as though they were here because Christmas is coming, whether we can stand it or not?

The images wouldn’t stop.  I tried to shut my eyes against them and force them out, snuggle my own little love bug safe in my arms and go back to sleep.  All I could see were parents and grandparents empty.  Holding each other tight, crying until they were dry, then crying some more.  Other homes scarred with holes punched in walls, still reeling from screams of disbelief and curses bouncing from every corner.  And yet the tinsel gleams, the packages wait, the neighbor’s lights outside blink-blink-blink incessantly.

“Oh, Lord!” I cry.  “My God!” and every ragged breath is a prayer.  So much grief, so much pain!  “Carry them through this time – the parents, the grandparents and oh no!  The children of the teachers slain!  Yes, their children…and those big sisters and little brothers, siblings of that class...”  The petitions tumble like a dam broken from my heart, crash upon the black and rise to heaven.  The sadness doesn’t ease, but I feel heard.  There is a relief in being listened-to. 

Tim Jahn, pastor and dear friend wrote, “This shooting makes me think of Matthew's Christmas account, which rather than songs of joy, includes these words from Jeremiah: "A voice was heard in Ramah, wailing and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be consoled, because they are no more." If we dare to sing with joy this Christmas, we do it knowing the dark, violent times into which Jesus was willing to be born for us, and we do it even as we mourn with those whose lives are turned dark in our own time.”

It hurts like a betrayal.  Like a mean, hot, red, angry hurt!  And yet Christmas is all in the middle of it?!  How can that be??  It just doesn’t make sense!

No, it doesn’t.  Nor will it.

And yet I truly believe with every bit in me, the crying parts, the ugly parts, the hopeful parts – everything! – that there is JOY.  What??  Do not mistake me.  There is no happiness here.  But there is joy.  Because God did not for one second abandon those babies.  WE are reeling!  WE are stunned and afraid and sobbing without respite.  But you know the angels did not delay.  They took up those children and comforted them and they got to meet Jesus today!  The person whose love makes their parents’ pale in comparison.  THEY are having their best Christmas EVER!

They are living out the hope we have.  They are experiencing the truth about love, about Jesus, about Christmastime!

The realization makes me want to shout it, “They are ok!  In fact, they are wonderful!”  

And THAT is joy.

~~~~~
Pondering Points

Isaiah 51:11

The ransomed of the Lord will return.  They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble with its tumult.

Isaiah 51:3

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.  Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Matt 11:28-30

[Jesus said] “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Romans 8:35-39

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”
     No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Revelation 7:15-17

Therefore, “They are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.  Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat.  For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”