Which Way to Go?

(A 2005 Reflection) All day long, something had been off.  I was cranky, grouchy, no fun to be around; I just wasn’t myself and didn’t know why.  I was frustrated at my short temper that day and tried to reflect on it as I peddled my “arm-i-cycle” at physical therapy, loosening up my sore shoulder.

“It’s almost the end of February, past the anniversary of Mom’s death – that shouldn’t be bothering me.”  I started wondering if it was because I was 36, the same age Mom had been when she died.  I started counting the days…and then it hit me.  She had died 18 years and 7 days, ago. That meant I was one day older than my Mom had ever been.  I was entering “uncharted territory.” 

I sat up and let the machine spin on its own as I was lost in reverie.  I had no point of reference.  She had never gotten this old.  She never reached menopause, never gave away a child in marriage, never became a Grandma, never developed any health issues; she never aged.  I was pioneering on my own.  I felt so set adrift and without compass, so without boundaries.  It wasn’t freeing, it was terrifying.

Then, as the math of it was still sinking in, I realized I had lived longer without her than with her.  My inner self knew it, even though I had been unconscious of it.  The child inside was chafing against reality, throwing a temper tantrum until I would pay attention and address what was wrong.  I ached for my mother, as grown up as I was.

What did life look like?  I had divorced a few months earlier, and felt like my world was in shambles.  My kids were angry at me all the time.  I felt empty when they were away, yet they were nothing but prickles when they were around.  My job had just recently gone through a major reconstruction and what I did was completely different.  Instead of looking forward to each day, I only valued Fridays and the friendship I maintained with my supervisor which made 8-5 palatable.  I was dating a really spiritual, handsome, sweet guy, but it was in the brand-new stages; no idea where that would go. 

How could I move forward?  What would Mom do?  I didn’t know.  I had outlived her, I was on my own.  I had lost all direction.  Where did I go from here??  She hadn’t taught me about life when you get older because she hadn’t gotten older.  I felt dizzy and reached for the equipment to steady myself.

What had she taught?  Ruefully, I laughed.  Her biggest lesson to me had always been, “Christians don’t have to say ‘Goodbye,’ they just say, ‘See ya, later!’”  Indeed.  I had clung to that promise again and again and finally had peace with her passing.  But what did that mean for now, TODAY?  I couldn’t even ask myself, “What would Mom do?” because she hadn’t faced this age.

“What Would Jesus Do?”  The thought woke me out of my spiraling depression.  She hadn’t lived long enough to see the WWJD movement, but she had pointed me in that direction.  Yes, what would Jesus do?  Mom was temporal, but Jesus is eternal.  What she would have done was to point me to the One who would never leave me.  The One to Whom I could always turn.

Re-anchored, I grasped the physical therapy machine and started forward, again.  Yes, I grieved.  I was sad I had to walk through the majority of my life without her.  But I was glad I was alive and knew she would be happy for me and the person I was still becoming.  I was walking through hard times, but I was at peace.  I knew in which direction I was headed.  Praise God!

Points to Ponder

Deuteronomy 31:8 ⁸”The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  

A Shelter in the Time of Storm

The Lord's our Rock; in Him we hide,
A Shelter in the time of storm;
Secure whatever ill betide,
A Shelter in the time of storm.

O Jesus is a Rock in a weary land,
A weary land, a weary land;
O Jesus is a Rock in a weary land -
A Shelter in the time of storm.

The raging storms may round us beat,
A Shelter in the time of storm;
We'll never leave our safe retreat,
A Shelter in the time of storm.

O Jesus is a Rock in a weary land,
A weary land, a weary land;
O Jesus is a Rock in a weary land -
A Shelter in the time of storm.

Jesus Calls Us

Jesus calls us o'er the tumult
of our life's wild, restless sea;
day by day his sweet voice soundeth,
saying, "Christian, follow me!"

In our joys and in our sorrows,
days of toil and hours of ease,
 still he calls, in cares and pleasures,
"Christian, love me more than these!"

Jesus calls us! By thy mercies,
Savior, may we hear thy call,
give our hearts to thine obedience,
serve and love thee best of all.