Mourning yet comforted

It’s a dull ache.  Not unlike this headache that won’t leave me despite water and sleep, meds and caffeine.  It’s not disabling, but disturbing.  It’s a butterknife kind of feeling; not a searing, rending, life-oozing pain, but a stabbing, nonetheless.

It’s so odd to outlive one’s parents.  They seemed so large as a child and wise and in control and then the unthinkable– you lap them.  So much of the past starts to make sense through the lens of “They acted just like I did when I was…years old.”  The other side of the mirror is a little vague.  My sister and I both walk in uncharted territory as we’re older than they were.  Routine office visits become sketchy as we guess the answers to medical questions because our parents didn’t age enough to have many health problems.  We turn to extended relatives or each other or no one at all for advice on a myriad of issues where Mom or Dad aren’t there to rely on.

So long ago, and yet I grieve.  The closer I get to death myself, the more comfortable I am with their passing.  Abrupt, young, tragic, yes all of that true.  But in a way – how LUCKY!  How blessed!  I am convinced beyond measure that what awaits us is infinitely better than anything this earth can conjure up for us.  I believe with everything in me that when God gives me blessings here of holding my newborn granddaughter or watching my toddler giggle with joy or simply sleeping beside my husband, dreaming in rhythm to his breathing – they are shadows, all, of everything that waits for us in heaven. 

Oh, I hunger for my mother; she would have been 62, today.  I believe she was the best friend I have ever had.  And true, there are times when I am angry that she had to leave.  But I know what joy she exists in, today.  I imagine she met our Savior and then delightfully hugged Daddy and went on organizing countless reunions just like that!  HAHA  Her social side forevermore fulfilled! 

And for those of us left here?  Living is bittersweet.  Every day I am fulfilled; some days more than others.  Every day I am blessed.  Every day I miss them.  I am thankful for the years-long process of grief ebbing away and peace rolling in to replace it.   And I will forever be grateful for the legacy taught to me of my faith in something bigger than they were.  Praise God!

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Pondering points
 
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God; and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.
Revelation 21:4
He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; for the old order of things has passed away.

When Pedestal Parents Plummet

Cheery music danced from the record player to match my mother’s motion.  She hummed and sang throughout the day after Thanksgiving.  Back before anyone heard of Black Friday, that morning meant to us all the pilgrims went away and the wreaths and trees and reds and greens came out in great number.

The house still smelled of tradition and spice from the day before and was filled from floor to roof with boxes of ornaments and pine.  We girls lived for decoration day.

We were in the front room with the spine of the tree naked awaiting arms when the phone rang.  All stopped to stare at it.  “Mom – don’t answer it!”  I begged.  It rang, again.  She and my new stepdad exchanged looks.  “Mom…” my 10-year-old voice whined.

She picked it up and had a brief conversation with her manager, then quietly started putting on her shoes, leaving us.  “I hate Mr. Reed!” I fumed. 

“Marilyn, we don’t ‘hate’ anybody,” she said.

“Well, I hate Mr. Reed!” I spat back at her, focusing all disappointment and frustration.  She took it as a direct hit.  I ran out of the room to avoid showing my shame; I saw in my mother’s face the pain of wounding her.  But I couldn’t believe she would choose work over putting up the Christmas tree, choose money over us – pick her manager over me.

I still struggle to understand why my Mom had to go in right then, why she couldn’t wait an hour until our tree was done.  I am over the childish disappointment, but still think she was wrong.  The good news is I have figured out Moms are human, too, and make mistakes.  Even pedestal parents eventually come down and become life-sized, again.  That’s a good thing because when they are real, they can be forgiven. 

Only God will never let us down.  Truly, Jesus Christ is the only person to have ever walked this earth who can claim perfection.  The rest of us need to be given grace and another try to do it right the next time.  Praise God that He gives us second chances!

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Pondering points
 

Ephesians 4:31-32

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Deuteronomy 32:3-4
I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.  A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
Ecclesiastes 7:20
Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins.
Philippians 3:12-14
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

What if he knew the real me?

“I’m gonna nominate you for President,” my cousin Cindy leaned over and whispered.

“What??”  I asked alarmed, “Why?”  My sister and I hadn’t been to a family reunion in years and I lived out of state, so why in the world would I want to run it?

“You’d be great at it!” Cindy insisted, then, “I nominate Marilyn Foerster!” she yelled.  I wanted to hide.  But suddenly it was seconded and there ya had it.

Now, I love my family, but we are a loud, crazy, chaotic bunch (as in 200+) and did I really want to do this?  But could I say no?  Was that even allowed?  And to be honest, pride was swelling my head like a watermelon – I had never been voted in for anything!  Plus, Chuck’s flirtatious text message to me later in the day that ended with “...Madam President” was pretty hot.  Haha!

My aunts – a coalition of Ruby, Betty, Shirley, Rose – all had their set plans for the next reunion.  But the administrative assistant side in me came out and I wanted spreadsheets of the registration pages, an email survey conducted, suggestions garnered, venues researched, a budget set up.  In other words, I was exactly what they had NOT expected. 

With extra funding, they insisted we provide food for everyone.  I sought to set up a community project for local schools.  They voted to ban Bingo; I moved to approve alternative entertainment for the kids.  In short, our first meeting was two hours of complete and total disaster.  I went from being the star niece to the family’s new black sheep. 

They said, “This is not what we had hoped.” 

Frustration retorted, “Then why did you elect me your President?” 

Sometimes, I wonder if we as Christians don’t get all weepy and step forward during the 4^th verse of “I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided…” but we forget the part about “no turning back, no turning back.”  Because life is fine and dandy when God acts like He’s 'supposed to,' but then bad things happen to good people or the job is lost, the ideas are stolen, the dog dies, the spouse sneaks online porn and that’s it!  God is UNFAIR!  This isn’t the Christianity we signed up for!  Where are the good times?  Why doesn’t this feel ok?

Religion is supposed to fit neatly into our Sunday box, very well-explained.  When other people are sad, we whip out comforting verses, and use them as a Band-Aid cover-all.  We get all quippy and bumper sticky and are astonished when that doesn’t solve the world’s problems.

Maybe you didn’t get God completely when you signed up to follow Him, but come on.  Did you think you would ever fully understand Him?  You can’t.  Because we’re people and He’s God.

But the cool thing is, He knew exactly what He was getting Himself into.  I’ve done it, myself, dribbling something like, “I can’t confess everything to God; if He really knew everything about me, He would stop loving me.”

But He’s GOD.  He knows what I did.  He knows what you did.  And here’s the freaky part: He loves us, anyway.  And that unforgiveable sin?  Oxymoron.  There isn’t one.  You’re the one that can’t let it go.  Because He can.  He’s God!  Praise Him!

~~~~~
Pondering points

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Isaiah 1:18
"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."
Isaiah 43:1-7
But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.  Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.  I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”
Romans 3:23-24
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Corinthians 15:57
But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Wishing for Home

Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans; my plate was complete.  It had been a lovely day.  I was so grown up and off on an adventure!  So why did it feel so wrong?  I was nearly 17, my parents on a cruise, my sister at my grandparents’ house and I had gone with my boyfriend’s family to visit him at college in Cleveland.  We were having a traditional dinner at a fine restaurant.  I swallowed hard against the odd flavor of it, deciding things were different because I had never eaten out on a holiday.

But my time-worn soul now understands.  It wasn’t because Thanksgiving was celebrated in a different place.  It was because I didn’t know or love the hands that had prepared my meal.  And while I cared for the people across the table from me, they weren’t my family.

This past Thursday came and went – a lazy day.  Very enjoyable.  But it didn’t feel like Thanksgiving.  That came on Friday when my husband prepared a delicious feast and did toddler chasing while I was standing hours in queue for 75% off.  His daughter Anna came to join us and we four had a special meal.  Later, his other daughter Morgan came so Kaydee had both of her Foerster sisters together.  We watched a movie and stuffed our already full selves with popcorn.  Good times!

And yet…

“Home is where your heart is” and while I have a house here in Midland, my heart remains fractured.  A large piece of it lives in Dewitt with my daughter and her family, another beats in far off Escanaba where my boys stay.  I am never quite complete without my children nearby.

I wonder if God feels the same about us?  He loves us so much that He decided to come to Earth to live among us and draw us back to Him through Christ Jesus.  Why?  I mean, He had heaven!  But it wasn’t the same without you, without me.  He sees us as His children, having great worth, enormous value, and would give anything to be with us at home, again.  Praise God!

~~~~~

Pondering points

Leviticus 26:12

I will walk among you and be your God, and you shall be my people.

Zephaniah 3:17

For the Lord your God is in your midst; a mighty one who will save.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Softly and Tenderly

Come home, come home, ye who are weary come home.  Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, calling, ‘O sinner, come home.’

Trusting Daddy

My kitchen was the color of Thanksgiving in 1973, mostly filled with oranges, warm browns, swirls of black and specks of yellow.  It had a russet table in the center, always filled with playdoh or coloring pages or good things to eat.  Even at that young age, I would stand on my little wicker chair to reach the sink and do the dishes with Daddy.

I remember having conversations with him that would be sometimes funny, sometimes confusing and often too hard to understand.  I remember him telling me once that he was going to go into the hospital to have tubes put in his arms.  All I could imagine was a garden hose and couldn’t fathom how those would fit – even inside his great big muscles!  While still trying to picture it, he continued, explaining that his blood vessels were not strong enough to handle the dialysis machine.

I’m sure he was trying his best to be clear to an almost-5-year-old, but all I could do was put my little mitt on his long, tanned arm and fight the sadness that seemed bigger than I was.  I don’t remember what was said, but I can see even now his hands in the soapy water and his loving brown eyes looking into mine, brimming with tears.  I didn’t want my Daddy to hurt and I was afraid this operation would.  Maybe he didn’t say anything; he didn’t need to.  We were quiet, then, and I felt more calm and less afraid when I leaned into his strong, tall side and we went about what needed to be done.

There are times I am filled with great hurt, physically or emotionally.  And while I try to talk with and get answers from my father God, I don’t always hear or understand.  More often, I let my fears drown out everything He is trying to explain to me.  If only I would be quiet and lean more into Him, trust and draw peace!  Praise God!

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Pondering points

Psalm 62:8

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 112:7
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
Psalm 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Perfect Timing

“Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,” I sang to my class of 3- and 4-year olds.  “Now, what day of the week is today?” I asked with exaggerated expression.  I tried to imagine as much light as possible in my encouraging smile as I willed them to say “Friday!”  It was still very early in the year and I wasn’t sure if… WAIT.  Was that??

Jerked out of my sunshine state, I heard a child crying next door and just knew.  Applying a makeup smile, I said, “Let’s sing it, again: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…” and wandered to the door open between the preschool and kindergarten rooms.  I peeked over and there was my baby bear in tears sitting at a table with her teacher hovering.  My heart jumped, then tightened in my chest.  I walked quickly back to my calendar, “Focus, focus, focus!” I shouted at myself and finished the song with the kids.

“Friday!” they answered triumphantly, but I barely heard them as the tenor of the cry next door became more pathetic and heartbreaking.

I would discover later that my academically equal, but physically behind 4-year-old was faced with a fine motor skill that her classmates handled but she could not.  Frustrated and embarrassed, she was having what would prove to be the biggest emotional meltdown of her little life and although I was there, I couldn’t be there for her. 

It was a pivotal moment that led to our decision to pull her from kindergarten and let her body catch up to other 5-year-olds and start her next year when her age really dictates it, anyway.  Being so smart, we tried to start her early, thinking that intelligence equaled readiness.  Nope.  Guess not!

My timing was a very big OOPS in this instance, at the least confusing for Kaydee and her schoolmates and at the worst, scarring her for life.  Oh my.  And don’t we as parents worry about that?  That our mistakes will someday provide the fodder for multiple couch sessions for our children?

I am so thankful I have a Heavenly parent whose timing is perfect!  Whether or not I understand it at the time, He knows what He is doing and will work everything for my benefit.  If only I would more completely tune into and trust Him for ordering my life!  Praise God!

~~~~~

Pondering Points

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. 

Lamentations 3:22-24

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.   I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

1 Peter 5:6-7

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.

2 Peter 3:8-9

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.